


Too Much and Not Enough

by magnusbicon



Series: Post 3x10 Fics [2]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Hopeful Ending, Introspection, Magnus Bane and Maryse Lightwood bonding, Magnus Bane-centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-18
Updated: 2018-05-18
Packaged: 2019-05-08 17:52:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,552
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14699298
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/magnusbicon/pseuds/magnusbicon
Summary: He hated how after centuries of working to better himself and become who he wanted to be outside of his father’s influence, he had still ended up right back where he started, under Asmodeus’ thumb. He hated that every time he looked at his hands all he could see was all of the potential and use that he had given up, how all his life he had at least been able to claim that his demon blood served a greater purpose.Most of all, though, he hated that he didn’t feel likeMagnus Baneanymore.





	Too Much and Not Enough

**Author's Note:**

> When in doubt, write more Magnus-centric fics.

The first night without his magic wasn’t so bad. At least that’s what Magnus told himself. He had fallen asleep beside Alec on Catarina’s couch less than an hour after arriving, too exhausted to let the events of the day sink in. Even his sleep had been dreamless, a blank canvas that he so desperately needed after all of the stress and nonstop work that had gone into figuring out a solution to their problem. **  
**

Waking up was a different story.

It was a slow, lazy rise that had him blinking against the sunlight that was slipping in through the sides of the blinds. Alec’s hair was tickling his nose, and he was overwhelmingly hot, wedged between the couch and his boyfriend’s back. He raised his hand, still barely conscious, and snapped his fingers to cool himself down.

But nothing happened.

And then it was as though the world came crashing in, hitting him right in the gut, and he could barely breathe. He scrambled up from the couch- somehow without waking Alec- and stumbled to the bathroom, nausea hitting him in strong, forceful waves until he was dry-heaving over the toilet, clutching the fabric of his shirt over his abdomen. He took no comfort in the smoothness of it, or the way his rings clinked against the floor as he fell back on his hands, because he was no longer the man who had chosen that outfit and accessories the day before. He was someone else completely, someone less worthy.

His throat felt tight as he leaned back against the wall, his eyes squeezing shut as a light knock sounded on the door. He couldn’t bring himself to speak, his breaths coming out in laboured huffs, and eventually the door opened anyway. He turned away, unable to face whoever had come to check on him.

“Magnus?” a soft, quiet voice greeted him from the doorway, and he inhaled sharply. He didn’t want anyone to see him this way, especially not Madzie.

“I’m okay, sweetpea. Just not feeling very well,” Magnus said in lieu of a greeting, forcing himself to take deep breaths and calm down somewhat.

Her tiny footsteps shuffled closer anyway, and she kneeled down in front of him, holding out her hand. He stared at it for a moment, unsure what to expect, and then took it. She wrapped her fingers around a few of his own, a look of concentration on her face, and then sent a wave of magic up his arm. He gasped, looking down at the light purple wisps in surprise. It wasn’t the same as having his own magic surging through his body, but it was a welcome distraction, and it allowed his muscles to ease and his thoughts to settle.

“You’ll get it back,” Madzie said matter-of-factly, her eyes almost unnervingly calm as they met his own.

He wanted to believe her.

 

☀︎☀︎☀︎☀︎☀︎☀︎

 

He couldn’t sit still. Two weeks in, and he was still restless, unable to stay in one place for more than a few minutes without wanting to jump out of his skin.

More than anything, though, he was angry.

His father had spent years teaching him how to use his magic, how to harness it and put it to use, and even after Magnus had seen the light and realized the implications of that power, he had never imagined that the only reason Asmodeus did it was because he planned on taking it all for himself one day. He had been foolish not to see it coming.

He could still remember the first time he met his father, how he had woken up from his fitful sleep in the alleyway behind a shop to see a man with glowing cat eyes standing above him. Back then it had felt like the puzzle piece that had been floating aimlessly inside of him had finally clicked into place and made him whole again. He thought he had finally found someone who wanted and accepted him for who he was, but the truth was that his father was only interested in what he could do.

His fingers shook around the mug in his hand as memories flashed through his mind over and over again, and before he realized what he was doing, the mug was in pieces on the counter and there was a cut on his palm. He stared at the puddle of coffee that dripped down onto the floor and blinked back the tears that threatened to spill from his eyes, and he  _hated_.

He hated how after centuries of working to better himself and become who he wanted to be outside of his father’s influence, he had still ended up right back where he started, under Asmodeus’ thumb. He hated that every time he looked at his hands all he could see was all of the potential and use that he had given up, how all his life he had at least been able to claim that his demon blood served a greater purpose.

Most of all, though, he hated that he didn’t feel like  _Magnus Bane_  anymore.

 

☀︎☀︎☀︎☀︎☀︎☀︎

 

He found himself sitting on a bench outside of the Institute a few days later. He had planned on going inside and seeing Alec, maybe to do another sparring session or just go out to lunch. He had been visiting a lot, lately. It usually succeeded in keeping his mind off of everything.

“Magnus,” a familiar voice spoke, interrupting his inner monologue.

Maryse Lightwood stepped into view a moment later, her hands clasped in front of her and a friendly smile on her face. Her posture was hesitant, as though she was unsure if she was welcome, but her expression brightened when Magnus gestured for her to sit beside him.

They sat in silence for a moment, watching mundanes walk by, oblivious to all of the chaos that was happening around them. Sometimes Magnus wished that he had grown up like that, with normal parents and a simple life. He would be long gone by now, but he might have died happy.

“It gets easier, being without your powers,” Maryse said. Magnus tensed, his back straightening against the bench. “When they first removed my runes, I was overcome with insecurity, as I’m sure you understand. Just when I had finally come to my senses and began working on the kind of person- the kind of mother that I wanted to be, I had everything I knew taken away from me.”

Magnus twisted his fingers together, multiple emotions rushing through him at once. Of course he understood that, the feeling of being so close to having everything he’s ever wanted only for it to slip from his grasp.

“How do you do it?” Magnus breathed, feeling suddenly vulnerable in the open air of the city. He wasn’t used to confiding in others like this, especially not Alec’s mother, who up until not too long ago had hated everything his existence stood for. “How do you continue on knowing that everything you once were is gone?”

Magnus glanced over at her, expecting her expression to be closed off, but instead her smile had grown wider. She shifted so that she was facing him, and reached forward to place her hand over both of his own.

“My runes, just like your magic, did not define me. They gave me power, made me stronger, but they did not shape my heart or my mind. I used to think they did, and I used that as an excuse to be cruel and close-minded. But your heart, Magnus, your  _soul_ , they aren’t connected to your magic. They’re still with you, and they’re still as pure as they have been your entire life. Your capacity for love, for empathy, it bypasses everyone I’ve ever known. That hasn’t changed, no matter how much it feels that way. Remembering that, repeating it to yourself every day, that is how you keep going.”

Magnus finally met her eyes, his own shining with fresh tears, and noted the blazing sincerity within them. He suddenly recognized where Alec got his intensity from, and he couldn’t stop a small grin from forming on his own face. They sat for another few minutes, letting the sounds of the city fill the space between them, and then Maryse stood.

“Would you like to come inside with me? I’m sure Alec would love to see you,” she suggested, nodding toward the Institute.

Magnus looked over at the building for a moment, feeling unnaturally hesitant, but accepted her offer. They walked toward the Institute side by side, and Magnus suddenly understood the concept of strength in numbers as more than an offensive tactic. For most of his life he had considered himself to be alone, stuck in his own mind and experience despite those who befriended him, but as he bid Maryse goodbye and was greeted with Alec’s blinding smile, he realized that he was nowhere close to being by himself. He was surrounded by people who loved him, people who he loved back, and they would continue to remind him who he really was.

He was still the Magnus Bane that he had been before his trip to Edom, and that would not be changing anytime soon.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm on tumblr as magnusbicon


End file.
